Rough.

Rough weekend.

The past couple of months have been some of the most spiritually stagnant months I've ever lived. I don't like it. There has been bitterness in my soul, heartbreak, doubts, frustration, hurt, loneliness and loss. And the past couple of weeks I've really tried to start the uphill climb back on my way to doing better at everything I've been kind of slacking off on... scriptures, prayer, temple attendance, etc. And I feel a lot better. But I think HF is just wanting to make sure I'm serious about it, because this weekend was ROUGH.

Three semi-minor car bumps/accidents, family squabbles, sickness, physical pain, awkward moments, reflection of  things lost, and heartbreak reprisals. Just plain discouragement. Questions bouncing around through my mind, Why does there have to be contention here? What's the problem? Is it really supposed to take this long to get over someone? Am I really that incompetent of a driver? WHY AM I SICK WHEN I GOT THE STUPID FLU SHOT?! Why didn't I get this job- didn't I do my best? How am I going to pass this class? Why can't I stay awake through this class? I really need to learn the material! Haven't I been doing better with my scriptures and prayers? What am I not doing right?

Yet in these really hard moments there have been little shining reminder moments. The biggest is probably that I am alive and unharmed; as is my car for the most part. Good friends, providentially timed conference talks and scriptures. Devotionals, testimonies, christmas lights, ice cream, cafe rio, 17 miracles, hugs, smiles, and sweet, sweet memories of beloved relatives. Life could be better, but then again it could also be much, much worse.