Find yourself

This is a post I've been meaning to write for a long LOOOOOOOONG time. And its a looooong post.

A foreword:

Can I just say that this summer has been one of my hardest? A mid-college-life crisis if you will? Without going into detail, almost every component in my life has been struggling and faltering. Things falling apart, people dropping like flies left and right. Isn't it weird that when the things around you start changing and the winds shift direction away from the place you have always wanted to go, and thought you should go, to some unforeseen and sometimes daunting location, that what you really start to question is yourself? Is that a good thing? I've always heard the phrase, "Go find yourself." The phrase often alludes to a soul-searching adventure of some sort to a mystical place of solitude and humility-inducing circumstances. Climbing a mountain, and having physical trials endured represent the solutions to mental and psychological obstacles being faced. Traveling to a third world country and experiencing poverty, to realize what you really have. Enlightenment. Nirvana. Meditation. Yoga. Serendipity. Awakening. Serenity. Eat. Pray. Love. Blah blah blah. Not really into that stuff. But eventually, I just had the itch that I needed to get away from what I was doing, and what I HAD been doing day in and day out for 10 months straight,  and really figure out what I wanted, what I was supposed to be doing, and change the direction my life was going. Because the direction it was going was not working the way I wanted to. It wasn't making me happy, it wasn't making sense... It just all felt wrong. And it scared me, because what's more scary than the unknown?

So... I guess I went to go find myself. . Finding myself didn't all come at once, and I don't think that its a process that really ever ends. I talked to my bishop awhile ago, and told him about the struggles I was having. He had several suggestions for me, one that stuck with me the entire summer, and changed my attitude and perspective, ultimately helping me find myself. Every night before you go to bed, he said, in your journal, write one way that you have seen the Lord's hand in your life.

When I told Kris I was going to go find myself in California, she looked really confused, and wondered aloud why I needed to do that. Didn't really have a good answer for her... because I didn't really know myself. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I just knew I needed to get away. So I packed up my car and drove about 11 hours straight to Carlsbad, California, making only one stop for about an hour at the Redlands, San Bernadino Temple to do baptisms. Even on the first day of my journey to "find myself" there came a moment of inspiration that made me understand more about who I was.

#1. In the Redlands temple, I totally walked in on a group of young hispanic girls in a ward doing baptisms. I was two heads taller than and two shades whiter than all of them. Probably combined. They were nervous at first, and so was I, but we all crowded together on a bench in front of the font in that tiny tiny temple to hear words from the temple president. Prior to his little devotional, one of the YW leaders asked me who the heck I was and what I was doing here (more kind than previously implied). I explained that I was a BYU student driving down to San Diego to see my Grandma. All the girls looked at me with wide, wide eyes, and all of a sudden a barrage of questions about me, my life, and BYU flowed from their mouths. It had been awhile since anyone had been remotely excited to hear about my life at BYU... because at BYU you feel like one in a million. Everyone's there to get an education, go to church, go to ward activities, date, get married, make babies. I looked at them, and was impressed upon by the spirit that these girls probably weren't going to get an opportunity to go to BYU. It's a pretty poor neighborhood around Redlands, and most of them had very broken English, and secondhand church clothes. To them, I was living the dream. And I realized, that I really was living the dream. "Heavenly Father, thank you for the opportunity to go to BYU" is definitely not a regular guest in my nightly prayers. But it should be.

#2. I arrived at my Aunt Kym's house late that night just in time for my grandma's birthday party. She didn't know I was coming, so it was fun to surprise her. Throughout the night, and throughout the next 3 weeks actually, I had SO much fun with my family. There is something about being with cousins, aunts, and uncles, that makes you realize how much you are loved. Never was there a time in those three weeks where I felt judged, questioned, or even unwanted. I was constantly being talked to, joked with, invited, hugged, smiled at. If there is a way to be loved too much, my family reached the climax. (But there's not). I will not say that there has been this absence of love all my life, that my parents never reached out to me, and I've always been neglected. This is not true. But being with my family was an excellent reminder of the special loving relationships that I am apart of, and that people really care about me.

#3 I've been trying to figure out where I would live this fall... All of my options started disappearing, and I was feeling the stress of it all. It was one of those, "HF, I've put all this work into it, what the heck am I supposed to be doing differently? Give me some sort of sign of where to go" moments. And weirdly enough (this NEVER happens for me), he did. One day I got a call from the landlady of a place that I had been put on a waiting list earlier in the summer. This lady is a freaking flake, and never calls me back when she says she will. Never. Randomly, she called me and told me that I was in. What? I have a place to live? Although there was so much fear about moving to a place all by myself, I knew that this was where I was supposed to go. After months of stressing and nothing going right, HF opened a way for me. This was later confirmed to me through a conversation with my bishop, who I've been seeing often enough as if he were my therapist.
"But I don't know anyone there.... It's not ideal, and it scares the crap out of me."
"Have you ever moved in with anyone all alone before?"
"Yes"
"And how did that turn out for you?"
"Well, great because I met Krista, and now she's my best friend. I got really lucky."
"Lucky, huh? Maybe like... Providential? Do you think HF maybe put you two together? Like he was looking out for you?"
"Yeah, definitely."
"And you think that HF is only going to do that once for you? "OK, I've put my hand in Elise's life once, so no more for that! No more miracles, and no more guidance and direction!" "
"...No...."
My Bishop's pretty wise.

#4. I got a text a week or so ago from one of my Young Women leaders letting us know that one of my friends from high school was in surgery that afternoon to remove a brain tumor that they did not know was cancerous or not. It was an interesting moment for me. A very small moment with a large impact. Similar to that of #1. My life is, actually pretty good. I go to BYU, and I don't have a brain tumor. I hope I'm not making light of that situation (By the way, the tumor was benign), but it was one of those "Stop moping around- your life could be worse" moments.

#5. On my drive back from California to Provo, I got stuck in one of the biggest thunderstorms I've ever driven through. On a freeway in the middle of the Mojave Desert no less. I wasn't speeding, but I was going faster than I should have in the given conditions. I could barely see the lines on the road. All of a sudden, the road must have been especially flooded because I started hydroplaning. I have only ever hydroplaned once, and it was very minor- and kind of fun because we were in no danger. I instinctively slammed on my brakes, and immediately started to skid across 3 lanes towards oncoming cars. Then a urgent thought popped into my head- "Take your foot off the brakes." I lifted my foot immediately, and my car straightened out. I know I was receiving a prompting, because I wouldn't have ever thought to do that.

There are several more spiritual and personal experiences that I will not share, but there are a few of the little miracles I've seen in my summer.

As I near the end of another summer and approach the beginning of a new school year, I am wondering, "What is going to happen to me next?" I feel like I had bigger plans for myself at this point in my life. I was going to be doing something extraordinary, probably something having to do with saving the world, being a ridiculously awesome wife and mom, having traveled the globe, touched the lives of hundreds of students, and definitely owning a puppy. Well, I don't have a puppy. Or any of the aforementioned things. I am just a student, a 5-year student with a part-time on-campus job & a yellow lanyard, no money, no roommates, and no hang-glider. So I guess the answer is... I don't know what's going to happen. And I have a feeling that that's how Heavenly Father wants my life to be right now. "Have a little faith," He's probably thinking, "And I'll show you the great things that are in store for you." And I think that is where "finding myself" led me. Finding yourself actually means having a reaffirmation of that faith, and coming to the understanding that you have more than a monotonous life of a part-time job and no money. I have a loving Heavenly Father who IS guiding my life, a caring family, awesome friends, a prestigious university to be educated at, and a puppy in my future. Probably. 

I left my quiet harbor
In favor of another, I know not where.
But first there are seas to cross
And storms to brave.
How could I prefer the foreign unknown
To the encircling arms of my bay?
Because some things are only learned at sea.
Yes my craft is watertight.
I can navigate the unknown.
And O, the wind that fills my sails
Blows from home.

Stephanie Russell